I think... I think I'm happy again. I don't know. It's been a while since I have been happy.
He decided to move with his ex girlfriend, and for the first few days I was distraught. I couldn't eat or sleep. Slowly I started accepting it. I think it had to do with him not talking to me for a while. He didn't chose me, it hurt, but I think I'm ok now.
A few weeks ago, when things were first rocky with him, I was working at the Union for Ask Listen Save (ALS) and we were having people make signs about their fears and their dreams. This guy comes up and asks what we were doing and I explained it to him, he liked the idea and he made a sign; we got in a conversation about how people who are bipolar commit suicide more often than people who make it to the top of some mountain. Me, being the loud mouth I am, said, "Hey, I'm bipolar!" He looked at me like I was crazy (poor choice of words I know) and said, "I'm bipolar too." He smile so I smiled back, I'm just friendly like that. Anyway he walked away.
About 20 min or so later he comes up to me with one of the buzzy things you get for food from the grill; he handed it to me, nodded, and walked away. I held the buzzy thing stunned, I didn't know what happened and there were two things that were running through my head: 1- why would he hand this to me? 2- I hope it's not a burger because I don't eat meat.
I showed it to the people who were working with me at the time and they started making fun of me. When it went off I grabbed one of their arms and made them come with me. The guy had given me french fries. I didn't want to eat them because I felt weird about it. So my friends ate them for me. Five min after the buzzer went off the guy came by again, he noticed that I was not eating the fries he gave me. He held out a piece of paper and pen, he didn't say anything so I ignored the gesture and pretended to be busy cleaning up the signs with my friends. He started talking about how he wants to help the organization because it seems like a good cause. When he gave our secratary his email information he looked at me and said, "So can I have your number?" I felt like I had to give it to him, I mean come on, the guy got me fries! So I gave it to him, all 9 digits.
After a week of texting the guy, Micha as I learned his name to be, asked me if I wanted to grab some drinks with him. I agreed. As I was heading out to met him my coworker texted me to ask if I was going out tonight, I responded I was meeting someone but would gladly meet up with him later. He sounded happy enough about it.
After two beers with Micha I realized that he really isn't my type, I've already decided that there is only one fucked up person per relationship, and that person will end up being me. But I had a good time regardless, he's nice and I'd like to be his friend but I still wouldn't date him again. Round 11:30 we parted ways, and I texted my coworker to see where he wanted to meet up. He kept naming bars in the area but lets be honest, I just turned 21, I still don't know all the bars around here. Finally he said one which sounded familiar. I went there and arrived around 11:45 and waited for 15 min. Some other guys saw me standing there alone so they started talking to me. I don't like meeting people in bars, I seriously feel that you need to get to know someone before you just go and act like you want all over them.
Anyway my coworker finally showed up and bought us a pitcher. We stood around with the other guys for a while but then decided to move somewhere else, upstairs. We played this flip cup game and then he decided we should go meet up with his other friend at a different bar. Eventually he decided that he was hungry so we went to Ian's Pizza, on a side note, why is there no cheese pizza at Ian's? There is never anything normal on their pizza!
Anyway, we were standing in line to pay for the pizza, and he started talking to me about how he likes me but doesn't want to make the first move, he never makes the first move. So I did something drastic, I kissed him.. I kissed him, and I liked it. He smiled at me and I smiled back. He paid for the pizza and we sat down. We sat and talked for over an hour. By the time I looked at the clock I noticed it was 3 am, I had missed the last bus home by half an hour. I told him this and he looked at me and said I could sleep on his couch because he didn't want me to walk home in the dark. I took him up on the offer.
Well I ended up just sleeping on top of him, nothing happened, I just fell asleep with my head on his chest and his arm around me. It felt nice. It made me smile. It made me feel like there might be hope for the future.
It's been about a week and a half since that night, and we are still going strong, we meet up all the time, and we are tying to keep it under-wraps because we work together, and we don't want things to get messed up at work. I like him, he makes me feel safe, and I have yet to have a fight with him. Our sarcasm keeps us together I feel, although we are not in a relationship, and he is not my boyfriend, we are dating and we are exclusive. It is a good first step for me to get over things.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Monday, December 3, 2012
windows
i want to jump.
feel the rush of cold air around me,
have no regrets of falling.
i want to jump.
to see the ground come closer
faster and faster.
i want to jump.
just knock out the screen,
say my final farewell.
i want to jump.
7 stories till the ground
i bet that it would be instant.
i want to jump.
to end it all fast and now
and i want it to be
so i don't have a chance to look back.
feel the rush of cold air around me,
have no regrets of falling.
i want to jump.
to see the ground come closer
faster and faster.
i want to jump.
just knock out the screen,
say my final farewell.
i want to jump.
7 stories till the ground
i bet that it would be instant.
i want to jump.
to end it all fast and now
and i want it to be
so i don't have a chance to look back.
The End of Him
He chose her.. He chose her. Those words are ringing through my head, echoing and shouting; whispering and singing. Mocking me, over and over.
I wasn't good enough.. I will never be good enough.
He met her first and loved her, they fought and broke up, then he met me... He said he loved me. He said that from the beginning. I didn't know about her. Or I did, but I didn't think she would ever come back. He promised her a year ago before we had met that he would move in with her. Then they got in a big fight and he broke up with her.. Then he met me. He promised me so many things, he said he would always be there for me. He said he loved me..
Then she came back. She said it was a mistake. She said she wanted him to move in with her still. He was conflicted. He went back and fourth for weeks, why should I stay with Abi why should I stay with her...
He chose me. He chose me first. He spoke to me as if nothing changed, as if she never came back. We were fine for a while and I was so happy that he chose me.. But apparently he told his parents. He told his parents about how he chose me. He told them, and the responded he should live with her. He promised her that he would live with her so he should keep his promise. She told him the same thing.. And he reconsidered..
He didn't talk to me for days. In my heart I was confident that we were fine and the subject was dropped.. But my mind kept saying there is a reason why he won't talk to you. I asked him if he was going to make a decision, call me and tell me, don't text me. A day later after I told him that he texted me, basically saying how he was persuaded by them not to chose me.. I called him right away, it was 12:37 in the morning. I begged him not to do this. I argued my case again and again and again, telling him how he chose me, but they made him chose her. He convinced himself that they were right. Now is not a good time for him and me. Maybe in the future when things are better we could try again.
I begged him for over an hour not to do this, not to leave me. He kept saying he's not leaving me, we are still friends and can still talk. I can't just wait around for him.. I love him, and I have tried not to, I have tried so hard not to fall in love with him.. How can he not see how much he just killed me?
It's been two hours since I started crying, and I just can't seem to stop. I can't stop shaking, I can't stop feeling hollow inside. There isn't anything holding me here anymore, so why should I stay? He was the one thing that could always make me smile, the one thing that would always make me feel better. And he chose her..
I guess he never really loved me.
I wasn't good enough.. I will never be good enough.
He met her first and loved her, they fought and broke up, then he met me... He said he loved me. He said that from the beginning. I didn't know about her. Or I did, but I didn't think she would ever come back. He promised her a year ago before we had met that he would move in with her. Then they got in a big fight and he broke up with her.. Then he met me. He promised me so many things, he said he would always be there for me. He said he loved me..
Then she came back. She said it was a mistake. She said she wanted him to move in with her still. He was conflicted. He went back and fourth for weeks, why should I stay with Abi why should I stay with her...
He chose me. He chose me first. He spoke to me as if nothing changed, as if she never came back. We were fine for a while and I was so happy that he chose me.. But apparently he told his parents. He told his parents about how he chose me. He told them, and the responded he should live with her. He promised her that he would live with her so he should keep his promise. She told him the same thing.. And he reconsidered..
He didn't talk to me for days. In my heart I was confident that we were fine and the subject was dropped.. But my mind kept saying there is a reason why he won't talk to you. I asked him if he was going to make a decision, call me and tell me, don't text me. A day later after I told him that he texted me, basically saying how he was persuaded by them not to chose me.. I called him right away, it was 12:37 in the morning. I begged him not to do this. I argued my case again and again and again, telling him how he chose me, but they made him chose her. He convinced himself that they were right. Now is not a good time for him and me. Maybe in the future when things are better we could try again.
I begged him for over an hour not to do this, not to leave me. He kept saying he's not leaving me, we are still friends and can still talk. I can't just wait around for him.. I love him, and I have tried not to, I have tried so hard not to fall in love with him.. How can he not see how much he just killed me?
It's been two hours since I started crying, and I just can't seem to stop. I can't stop shaking, I can't stop feeling hollow inside. There isn't anything holding me here anymore, so why should I stay? He was the one thing that could always make me smile, the one thing that would always make me feel better. And he chose her..
I guess he never really loved me.
Monday, November 26, 2012
That is That
I really don't want to lose anyone who I love. I know I love him, if I didn't love him then I wouldn't be so afraid of losing him. But he's making it seem like I'm going to lose him in a way that is more than just relationship wise. He threatened that he was going to get into a motorcycle accident and die from it. Why? Just because he doesn't think that he is worth anything. He thinks all he does is screw up.. He thinks that he is worthless.
I thought that way a lot. Hell I still think that way sometimes in the present. He said he is in 6 grand of debt, I don't know what it's like to be there. He said he feels like a failure, that he knows I deserve someone better than him, but I don't want anyone 'better' than him I just want him.
I finally got him to respond to me, after I called him 5 times and texted him more.. I threatened to call him every hour until he responded. After I said that, he called right away. Apparently he didn't want me to call every hour. He had just had a bad day, wrecked a motor or something and was no longer able to sell it. He was mad and he overreacted,
I really don't want to loose him, in any way. No one thinks he's good for me, but I don't care. I love him and that's all I really care about. He makes me smile when no one else can. He holds me when that's all I really need. Sure he is confused when I get mad for a small thing, when I start a fight, but everyone fights.. I just can't help that I fight over such stupid things.. I'm working on it, I really am, but he just doesn't understand that it is hard for me to stop when I'm mad and think things rationally.
I love him, and that is that.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
WANTED: A Date for Formal
I can't help but think if there is a reason why no one wants to go to formal with me... I have now asked 6 people, and 2 others overheard my sob story and said they would go if they could but it's their formal that day so they can't. It really hits one's ego when that many people say no.
For a few, I get it:
1- it's your last house party ever, don't want to miss that
2- you're in Minnesota and it's hard to get here
Those are really the only two good reasons why you can't get to formal. Saying you don't have money to pay for formal? You don't have to pay, it's taken out of the money I pay for the sorority every semester.
I really start to feel like I'm so unwanted that no one would want to go to formal with me.. It really hurts, and it's making me feel like I don't want to go to formal anymore..
For a few, I get it:
1- it's your last house party ever, don't want to miss that
2- you're in Minnesota and it's hard to get here
Those are really the only two good reasons why you can't get to formal. Saying you don't have money to pay for formal? You don't have to pay, it's taken out of the money I pay for the sorority every semester.
I really start to feel like I'm so unwanted that no one would want to go to formal with me.. It really hurts, and it's making me feel like I don't want to go to formal anymore..
Monday, November 12, 2012
3 People, 3 Conversations
There are so many people in my life that I can go to to talk about something that is bothering me. The problem is there is not a single person I can go to to talk about EVERYTHING. I have people I can talk to about relationships, a few I can talk to about my homosexuality, and a few I can talk to about my needing a hug every few days. The problem is that there are very few people I can go to to talk about all of those things.
I wish there was one person in my phone that I could talk to about everything. I wish I could just dial up their number and cry to them about multiple things. I can't even do this to my mom. So I end up just sitting in a cold shower and cry to myself.
Because there is no one I can talk to about everything, I feel alone. There are many people I can talk to about many things, but I still feel alone because I don't want to have 3 different conversations with 3 different people to feel better. I want one long conversation with one person about many different things to make me feel better.
I used to have a few of those, but college pulled us apart. I used to have a lot of those people, but they stopped talking to me. I used to have a lot of people who would listen to me and let me cry, but I don't anymore, and some part of me feels that I won't have one for a while.
I wish there was one person in my phone that I could talk to about everything. I wish I could just dial up their number and cry to them about multiple things. I can't even do this to my mom. So I end up just sitting in a cold shower and cry to myself.
Because there is no one I can talk to about everything, I feel alone. There are many people I can talk to about many things, but I still feel alone because I don't want to have 3 different conversations with 3 different people to feel better. I want one long conversation with one person about many different things to make me feel better.
I used to have a few of those, but college pulled us apart. I used to have a lot of those people, but they stopped talking to me. I used to have a lot of people who would listen to me and let me cry, but I don't anymore, and some part of me feels that I won't have one for a while.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Do You Love Me?
You said you loved me, you said that from day one. But you deny it every day. You ask me why I fight with you all the time. I have told you in the past I fight because I am scared to love. When you don't tell me you are here, it breaks my heart.. it breaks my heart because I thought you loved me. This is not how you say you treat someone you love. I told you why I act this why, why I lash out, why I fight. Tell me why you act this way..
You saw how hurt I was when you did this the first time, when you came and didn't tell me. What made you think it'd be any different the second time? Or did you think that this time you could get away with it?
"We've only been here for 10 minutes." 10 minutes is a long time. Enough time to text. Enough time to call. Enough time to have a couple of shots for all I know. I see you walking around laughing, if you have time to walk around and laugh, then you have time to text me you are here.
"Why are you so controlling?" I wouldn't call it controlling, I would call it wanting to know what you said you would do. You're coming tonight? Oh when are you going to be here? When I see you walk around the lobby like you have nothing better to do, yah I'm going to call you an ass. It's not me being controlling it's me being mad.
Tell me the truth, if you love me, why do you put me through this?
You saw how hurt I was when you did this the first time, when you came and didn't tell me. What made you think it'd be any different the second time? Or did you think that this time you could get away with it?
"We've only been here for 10 minutes." 10 minutes is a long time. Enough time to text. Enough time to call. Enough time to have a couple of shots for all I know. I see you walking around laughing, if you have time to walk around and laugh, then you have time to text me you are here.
"Why are you so controlling?" I wouldn't call it controlling, I would call it wanting to know what you said you would do. You're coming tonight? Oh when are you going to be here? When I see you walk around the lobby like you have nothing better to do, yah I'm going to call you an ass. It's not me being controlling it's me being mad.
Tell me the truth, if you love me, why do you put me through this?
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
End
The light has left my eyes
nobody has noticed
what a surprise.
My heart continues to sink
lower and lower still
more with every blink.
I wonder every day
who is this girl I see
the one whose skin is grey.
She smiles no more
never leaves or speaks
always behind the door.
Trying to keep busy
yet I don't want to think
all this makes me dizzy.
All these things
make me cry
I've lost hold of the strings
that held me to earth
I want it to end
to have some self-worth.
nobody has noticed
what a surprise.
My heart continues to sink
lower and lower still
more with every blink.
I wonder every day
who is this girl I see
the one whose skin is grey.
She smiles no more
never leaves or speaks
always behind the door.
Trying to keep busy
yet I don't want to think
all this makes me dizzy.
All these things
make me cry
I've lost hold of the strings
that held me to earth
I want it to end
to have some self-worth.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Resistance
You won't know what you missed till you see I'm no longer here. You won't know who I am till you see that I'm gone.You won't know my pain till you know who I am.
I made a promise to so many people, but no one seems to want to help me keep that promise. I promised that I wouldn't cut anymore, I promised that if I felt the need to I would go to someone to help me stay strong.. The problem is that no one seems to want to help me. I can only think of one person I can turn to, and it seems every time I ask if she can talk she can't. Every time I'm doing fine she asks how I am doing.
I don't like being alone. And it seems day after day I just don't want to leave my room, I don't want to eat anything, and all I want to do is sleep. I feel like I did in high school, pathetic and useless to the world. I really don't see the point in going on.
I started crying in the shower again, I started looking at my razor's again thinking about breaking them open just to feel the pain, the sharp pain that I was addicted to... Seeing the blood that would trickle down my arm, accidentally getting deeper and deeper until I can see where my skin should be stitched back together, but knowing I won't go get stitches, tasting the metal in the blood as I wipe it off with one finger and suck the blood just to know it is real.
The fact that I can remember so vividly everything that happened a few short years ago, the fact that it seems so tempting in this moment in time that all scares me. I don't want to be that girl again. But some part of me thinks that I won't be able to resist for much longer.
I made a promise to so many people, but no one seems to want to help me keep that promise. I promised that I wouldn't cut anymore, I promised that if I felt the need to I would go to someone to help me stay strong.. The problem is that no one seems to want to help me. I can only think of one person I can turn to, and it seems every time I ask if she can talk she can't. Every time I'm doing fine she asks how I am doing.
I don't like being alone. And it seems day after day I just don't want to leave my room, I don't want to eat anything, and all I want to do is sleep. I feel like I did in high school, pathetic and useless to the world. I really don't see the point in going on.
I started crying in the shower again, I started looking at my razor's again thinking about breaking them open just to feel the pain, the sharp pain that I was addicted to... Seeing the blood that would trickle down my arm, accidentally getting deeper and deeper until I can see where my skin should be stitched back together, but knowing I won't go get stitches, tasting the metal in the blood as I wipe it off with one finger and suck the blood just to know it is real.
The fact that I can remember so vividly everything that happened a few short years ago, the fact that it seems so tempting in this moment in time that all scares me. I don't want to be that girl again. But some part of me thinks that I won't be able to resist for much longer.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
One Last Song
Lay me to rest with my teddy bear,
my curly hair flowing down.
Lay me to rest with my eyeliner dark
wearing a long white gown.
Lay me to rest so people see
that girl they never knew.
Lay me to rest with Alex's ring
and know my love stayed true.
Lay me to rest knowing I tried
to keep going strong.
Lay me to rest with the casket closed
and play me one last song.
my curly hair flowing down.
Lay me to rest with my eyeliner dark
wearing a long white gown.
Lay me to rest so people see
that girl they never knew.
Lay me to rest with Alex's ring
and know my love stayed true.
Lay me to rest knowing I tried
to keep going strong.
Lay me to rest with the casket closed
and play me one last song.
Slipping Back
It hurts. It hurts so much. I have not felt this way for two plus years. I just cried for almost a hour, and sat in my shower with freezing cold water running on me thinking of all the ways I could kill myself right there and then. Razor, drinking the shampoo, hitting my head hard enough. Then I got more creative, what could I do when I got out. Drinking myself to death, car crash (on my moped or running into traffic), or jumping out of my window. It hurt me so much that hurting myself, killing myself, ending everything was all I could think of.
I don't want to be that girl again, then one who wears long sleeves all year, the one who never ate or slept. It hurts me that with how far forward I came I started slipping back.
I don't want to hurt myself again, I don't want to be in this place anymore. I need help, but I don't think any of my friends, or who I think are friends, would want to help, or could help.
I don't want to be that girl again, then one who wears long sleeves all year, the one who never ate or slept. It hurts me that with how far forward I came I started slipping back.
I don't want to hurt myself again, I don't want to be in this place anymore. I need help, but I don't think any of my friends, or who I think are friends, would want to help, or could help.
Friday, October 26, 2012
I Love You but Hate You
Why would you ignore me? Someone you claim to love. But you don't really love me do you? You love the idea of loving me. If you loved me you wouldn't ignore my phone call, you would text me back, and you definitely wouldn't like it when we fought.
You make promises to me, but you can never seem to keep them, and you wonder why I get mad.
I asked you two months ago if we were dating or if you were my boyfriend.. You said you couldn't date me because you didn't want to ruin our friendship. Last week you ask me where I thought we were, what I thought we were. I told you exactly what you said, and told you you said it. You looked sad. By lying to me, you broke my heart. I thought I loved you. But the more time I spend with you the more I fall for you, but the more I hate you for hurting me.
I don't want to be with you anymore... But I can't leave.
You make promises to me, but you can never seem to keep them, and you wonder why I get mad.
I asked you two months ago if we were dating or if you were my boyfriend.. You said you couldn't date me because you didn't want to ruin our friendship. Last week you ask me where I thought we were, what I thought we were. I told you exactly what you said, and told you you said it. You looked sad. By lying to me, you broke my heart. I thought I loved you. But the more time I spend with you the more I fall for you, but the more I hate you for hurting me.
I don't want to be with you anymore... But I can't leave.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Birthday-less
I didn't have a quince
or a sweet sixteen
because for both those years
I wasn't living like a queen.
We were short on money,
kept on cutting back.
keeping heads high
not falling though the cracks.
My 18th birthday came and went,
nothing special to remember
so I gave up ideas
my final party surnder.
I would wait, we decided
another three years until
my 21st would come
and we would all get chills.
The big charade,
a blowout once for all
those were my party plans
but someone made them fall.
I have now obligations
that were not foreseen
and now on my birthday
I will once again be green.
I won't get my party
or even a song sung
because my birthday ended
before it ever begun.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Sorry Liars.
My way of thinking is: I meet you, I'm iffy about you. You do something to show that I can trust you, and I trust you completely and whole heartily. You do something to break that trust I had in you, it is going to take so much to get it back.
Lying is one thing I do not stand for. Many of my relationships ended because they lied to me and I could not look them in the face again and know for sure they were not lying to me. When you lie, it makes people question everything you say, and wonder, "Why would they lie about that?" It makes me question their actions, "Are they doing this just to show they are trustworthy once more, or is this something they would normally do?"
Saying, "I'm sorry" is not enough. "I'm sorry" are just words you say, admitting you did wrong. That does not show me you care about the actions you took. That does not show me that you truly care and will never do it again. It does not show me that you understand why I hate lying. It does not show me anything other than you said 2 words doing the bare minimum trying to make me feel better. In my book, saying "I'm sorry" is not even half a step higher than doing nothing about your mistake.
That is just who I am, take it or leave it.
Lying is one thing I do not stand for. Many of my relationships ended because they lied to me and I could not look them in the face again and know for sure they were not lying to me. When you lie, it makes people question everything you say, and wonder, "Why would they lie about that?" It makes me question their actions, "Are they doing this just to show they are trustworthy once more, or is this something they would normally do?"
Saying, "I'm sorry" is not enough. "I'm sorry" are just words you say, admitting you did wrong. That does not show me you care about the actions you took. That does not show me that you truly care and will never do it again. It does not show me that you understand why I hate lying. It does not show me anything other than you said 2 words doing the bare minimum trying to make me feel better. In my book, saying "I'm sorry" is not even half a step higher than doing nothing about your mistake.
That is just who I am, take it or leave it.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Anger Hurts
I have a temper. I know I have a temper. I try so so so hard to keep it under control but sometimes it escapes me.
I grew up with my parents always fighting. I thought that was a normal relationship, but apparently its not. Too late, every relationship I ever have ends with me fighting with them because I grew up learning it was ok to fight with someone you love. So whenever I feel I love someone I am in a relationship with, I start to fight. And very rarely is it of something of importance.
I suppose another reason why I fight with people who I feel I might love is because I am afraid.. It is hard for me to trust anyone, and I do mean anyone. It hurts to know I can't trust them. I argue with them because I push them away, I push them away because I don't want to lose them. Confused? Me too. I am afraid of getting attached to people because I have never had anyone stay in my life.. (Ok I have had a few people but I consider them sisters so they are required to stay in my life so they don't count in this.) I'd rather be the reason why someone leaves me than someone not giving a reason, that happens much too often.
I don't know the exact reason why I argue. I don't know exactly why I have to fight. But I do know that I wish I don't. I know that it hurts so much every time I fight. And I hate to hurt.
I grew up with my parents always fighting. I thought that was a normal relationship, but apparently its not. Too late, every relationship I ever have ends with me fighting with them because I grew up learning it was ok to fight with someone you love. So whenever I feel I love someone I am in a relationship with, I start to fight. And very rarely is it of something of importance.
I suppose another reason why I fight with people who I feel I might love is because I am afraid.. It is hard for me to trust anyone, and I do mean anyone. It hurts to know I can't trust them. I argue with them because I push them away, I push them away because I don't want to lose them. Confused? Me too. I am afraid of getting attached to people because I have never had anyone stay in my life.. (Ok I have had a few people but I consider them sisters so they are required to stay in my life so they don't count in this.) I'd rather be the reason why someone leaves me than someone not giving a reason, that happens much too often.
I don't know the exact reason why I argue. I don't know exactly why I have to fight. But I do know that I wish I don't. I know that it hurts so much every time I fight. And I hate to hurt.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
A Healthy Small
What is healthy? According to a women's health doctor (or nurse, I can't remember) I am on the far end of the appropriate weight range for someone of my height. I am 5 foot 1 and 1/2 inches. According to the Doctor/Nurse for my height I should be from 103-130. At the time I was 126lbs and at a 24 BMI. BMI (Body mass index) is horrible to try to base your life around. I was at the high end of the spectrum according to the Doctor/Nurse and should try to drop down to 115 to be good, but aim for 110-105. Especially considering I got a shot and one of the more common side effects was weight gain, she told me to keep an eye on my weight because if I gained more weight then I could be considered over weight.
Quite honestly I never considered myself a skinny person. I have however considered myself short... I also consider myself curvy! (Hey, I have hips and a waist, no shame in admitting it) Others have called me small, and by small they think both short and skinny. I feel that people misuse the word small. Small does not mean skinny, it is a matter of height not width.
Anyway I went in to UHS for my ear problem (see last post) and right away they they weigh me and take my height; I was 117lbs! In 5 short weeks I had lost almost 10 lbs! My BMI dropped to 21, and I was getting close to where the Doctor said I should be.
Part of me is proud that I did nothing serious but changed my diet a little bit and lost that much weight, but part of me feels like if I get to where the Doctor said I should be, I'll lose what makes me me. I'll lose my waist, and I'll lose my hips. My curves are what make me distinctive, but at the same time they make me look at all the girls around me and compare myself to them. I always said if I was taller I would be skinnier, because the longer the bone the more there is for the fat to stretch out, hence the skinnier girls who weigh just as much as I do.
I hate thinking about my weight, because people do tell me that I am small, but like I said before: small is a matter of height not width. So I can never tell if when they mean small they mean short or skinny. I can never tell if they are telling me I am beautiful, or just stating the obvious (that I am short). I don't like thinking this way. And yet I do.
Quite honestly I never considered myself a skinny person. I have however considered myself short... I also consider myself curvy! (Hey, I have hips and a waist, no shame in admitting it) Others have called me small, and by small they think both short and skinny. I feel that people misuse the word small. Small does not mean skinny, it is a matter of height not width.
Anyway I went in to UHS for my ear problem (see last post) and right away they they weigh me and take my height; I was 117lbs! In 5 short weeks I had lost almost 10 lbs! My BMI dropped to 21, and I was getting close to where the Doctor said I should be.
Part of me is proud that I did nothing serious but changed my diet a little bit and lost that much weight, but part of me feels like if I get to where the Doctor said I should be, I'll lose what makes me me. I'll lose my waist, and I'll lose my hips. My curves are what make me distinctive, but at the same time they make me look at all the girls around me and compare myself to them. I always said if I was taller I would be skinnier, because the longer the bone the more there is for the fat to stretch out, hence the skinnier girls who weigh just as much as I do.
I hate thinking about my weight, because people do tell me that I am small, but like I said before: small is a matter of height not width. So I can never tell if when they mean small they mean short or skinny. I can never tell if they are telling me I am beautiful, or just stating the obvious (that I am short). I don't like thinking this way. And yet I do.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Eyes and Ears and Mouth and Nose
I really don't know what I am thinking. I have just been in so much pain for the last three days. I woke up on Monday thinking I had an ear infection. So I made and appointment with UHS (University Health Services) and went in after my class. The Nurse I spoke to said it did not look like an ear infection, but swimmer's ear. She prescribed eye drops for my ear problem. I know it confused me too, but it was for my ear, like a cheaper version of the ear drops I could have used. She told me if things don't seem to get better come in at the end of the week.
Well things didn't seem to get better, in fact they go much much worse. To the point where I started crying Tuesday night because of all the pain. It felt like my ear was going to explode. I could not talk with out there being pain in my jaw and ear, my sinuses were killing me, as well as my left lymph node. Basically if you draw a line down the center of my face the entire left side was in pain as well as the left side of my neck. Around 11:30 pm I called my mom, and of corse she was either asleep or not picking up her phone, so I called my brother and asked him to get my mother. As he got her he asked if she could call me back, I said yes and continued to sit and cry on my bed.
I know I scared my mother, very rarely do I call so late. She sounded worried on the phone when she heard my tears, when I told her what was wrong she said to go back into UHS the next day. She told me if I could not sleep I should just keep watching the Olympics to keep my mind off it. (BTW the woman's gymnastic team really earned the gold and I was so happy for them). I attempted to sleep but ended up just staying up half the night watching Gilmore Girls because it hurt too much to sleep. Eventually I dozed off around 3 or 4 in the morning.
I woke up around 8:15 and I was surprised with how much the pain subsided. My mother called me while I was in the shower wanting to know how I was feeling. I texted hr that I was doing a lot better but my jaw was still hurting as well as my ear. She responded right away that I should go back to UHS. I decided to wait a little longer to see how I was doing a little later, because I didn't want to miss class being the good student I am and having homework to turn in. But as the day went on, the pain got worse. It was to the point where I could not finish my lunch.
As I left my apartment to go to class I called up UHS and made an appointment for later in the day. I called my mom, as any good daughter would do, and told her the plan. I sat in class and was in pain the whole time, but no I did not let that interfere with my note taking, I mean come on, I have a final next week! So after class I went in to UHS and spoke to a Doctor this time. She asked what was wrong and I explained what happened last night, she examined my ear and started poking my cheeks checking my sinuses and I actually whimpered in pain. She felt my lymph nodes and then did the whole, "Say Ahhh".
I swear that is my favorite reaction when ever someone asks me to 'Say Ahh'. The look of shock on her face was priceless. She looked at me I started laughing and she asked, "Are your tonsils normally that big?" I replied "yes, they have been for years." Then she started laughing and said, "I supposed you are used to this reaction when they get inspected arn't you?" I responded with a laugh and a, "Yepp".
So upon finishing poking and laughing this Doctor said that the nurse was compleatly wrong, there is nothing wrong with my ear, it's just hurting because it is attached to my sinuses and I have something wrong with my sinuses. YAY ANTIBIOTICS! But the Doctor said I should be feeling better by friday, and I can't help but hope that this time it'll be right.
I don't know how many of you will actually read this whole thing, but this post really is what it's like to be in my shoes.
Well things didn't seem to get better, in fact they go much much worse. To the point where I started crying Tuesday night because of all the pain. It felt like my ear was going to explode. I could not talk with out there being pain in my jaw and ear, my sinuses were killing me, as well as my left lymph node. Basically if you draw a line down the center of my face the entire left side was in pain as well as the left side of my neck. Around 11:30 pm I called my mom, and of corse she was either asleep or not picking up her phone, so I called my brother and asked him to get my mother. As he got her he asked if she could call me back, I said yes and continued to sit and cry on my bed.
I know I scared my mother, very rarely do I call so late. She sounded worried on the phone when she heard my tears, when I told her what was wrong she said to go back into UHS the next day. She told me if I could not sleep I should just keep watching the Olympics to keep my mind off it. (BTW the woman's gymnastic team really earned the gold and I was so happy for them). I attempted to sleep but ended up just staying up half the night watching Gilmore Girls because it hurt too much to sleep. Eventually I dozed off around 3 or 4 in the morning.
I woke up around 8:15 and I was surprised with how much the pain subsided. My mother called me while I was in the shower wanting to know how I was feeling. I texted hr that I was doing a lot better but my jaw was still hurting as well as my ear. She responded right away that I should go back to UHS. I decided to wait a little longer to see how I was doing a little later, because I didn't want to miss class being the good student I am and having homework to turn in. But as the day went on, the pain got worse. It was to the point where I could not finish my lunch.
As I left my apartment to go to class I called up UHS and made an appointment for later in the day. I called my mom, as any good daughter would do, and told her the plan. I sat in class and was in pain the whole time, but no I did not let that interfere with my note taking, I mean come on, I have a final next week! So after class I went in to UHS and spoke to a Doctor this time. She asked what was wrong and I explained what happened last night, she examined my ear and started poking my cheeks checking my sinuses and I actually whimpered in pain. She felt my lymph nodes and then did the whole, "Say Ahhh".
I swear that is my favorite reaction when ever someone asks me to 'Say Ahh'. The look of shock on her face was priceless. She looked at me I started laughing and she asked, "Are your tonsils normally that big?" I replied "yes, they have been for years." Then she started laughing and said, "I supposed you are used to this reaction when they get inspected arn't you?" I responded with a laugh and a, "Yepp".
So upon finishing poking and laughing this Doctor said that the nurse was compleatly wrong, there is nothing wrong with my ear, it's just hurting because it is attached to my sinuses and I have something wrong with my sinuses. YAY ANTIBIOTICS! But the Doctor said I should be feeling better by friday, and I can't help but hope that this time it'll be right.
I don't know how many of you will actually read this whole thing, but this post really is what it's like to be in my shoes.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
S/He Without Sin
People need to understand something about me. I am NOT perfect, and I never claimed to be perfect. But when someone I know says I'm being stupid about the way I go about my life, that makes me kind of mad.
This is the whole, "let s/he who is with out sin cast the first stone" thing. My rendition of this quote would be, if you haven't made this mistake or something similar, then go ahead and tell me what I did wrong, but if you made this mistake or something worse then you really have no right to tell me what I am doing is wrong. You could give me advice as to what I could do differently, I'll accept that in the form of ADVICE, not in the 'I'm better than you so listen to me' or an 'order'.
Respect my decisions, and understand I know I make mistakes.
This is the whole, "let s/he who is with out sin cast the first stone" thing. My rendition of this quote would be, if you haven't made this mistake or something similar, then go ahead and tell me what I did wrong, but if you made this mistake or something worse then you really have no right to tell me what I am doing is wrong. You could give me advice as to what I could do differently, I'll accept that in the form of ADVICE, not in the 'I'm better than you so listen to me' or an 'order'.
Respect my decisions, and understand I know I make mistakes.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
My Own Worst Emeny
There are many things that make up me, and many things that make my life hard. To name two of the hardest parts of me would to label me correctly. I am not ashamed of who I am, I am ashamed of how others perceive me. The human race is a complicated thing. Our thoughts hurt not only others when disrespectful, but ourselves; our actions as well.
I have been called a "Fuckin Mechacan Retard" I have also been called a "Dyke". It hurts to be called those things, but my reactions to the words hurt me more. I can't help but lash out. I almost always end up in a fight. It could be verbal, or physical. but in the end I almost always end up hurting more than I did when they called me the names.. I have this sinking feeling in my stomach, and it is all I can think about for days. Not what they called me, but my reaction.
I am my own worst enemy.
I have been called a "Fuckin Mechacan Retard" I have also been called a "Dyke". It hurts to be called those things, but my reactions to the words hurt me more. I can't help but lash out. I almost always end up in a fight. It could be verbal, or physical. but in the end I almost always end up hurting more than I did when they called me the names.. I have this sinking feeling in my stomach, and it is all I can think about for days. Not what they called me, but my reaction.
I am my own worst enemy.
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