End

The light has left my eyes
nobody has noticed
what a surprise.

My heart continues to sink
lower and lower still
more with every blink.

I wonder every day
who is this girl I see
the one whose skin is grey.

She smiles no more
never leaves or speaks
always behind the door.

Trying to keep busy
yet I don't want to think
all this makes me dizzy.

All these things
make me cry
I've lost hold of the strings
that held me to earth
I want it to end
to have some self-worth.

Resistance

You won't know what you missed till you see I'm no longer here. You won't know who I am till you see that I'm gone.You won't know my pain till you know who I am.

I made a promise to so many people, but no one seems to want to help me keep that promise. I promised that I wouldn't cut anymore, I promised that if I felt the need to I would go to someone to help me stay strong.. The problem is that no one seems to want to help me. I can only think of one person I can turn to, and it seems every time I ask if she can talk she can't. Every time I'm doing fine she asks how I am doing.

I don't like being alone. And it seems day after day I just don't want to leave my room, I don't want to eat anything, and all I want to do is sleep. I feel like I did in high school, pathetic and useless to the world. I really don't see the point in going on.

I started crying in the shower again, I started looking at my razor's again thinking about breaking them open just to feel the pain, the sharp pain that I was addicted to... Seeing the blood that would trickle down my arm, accidentally getting deeper and deeper until I can see where my skin should be stitched back together, but knowing I won't go get stitches, tasting the metal in the blood as I wipe it off with one finger and suck the blood just to know it is real.

The fact that I can remember so vividly everything that happened a few short years ago, the fact that it seems so tempting in this moment in time that all scares me. I don't want to be that girl again. But some part of me thinks that I won't be able to resist for much longer.

One Last Song

Lay me to rest with my teddy bear,
my curly hair flowing down.
Lay me to rest with my eyeliner dark
wearing a long white gown.
Lay me to rest so people see
that girl they never knew.
Lay me to rest with Alex's ring
and know my love stayed true.
Lay me to rest knowing I tried
to keep going strong.
Lay me to rest with the casket closed
and play me one last song.

Slipping Back

It hurts. It hurts so much. I have not felt this way for two plus years. I just cried for almost a hour, and sat in my shower with freezing cold water running on me thinking of all the ways I could kill myself right there and then. Razor, drinking the shampoo, hitting my head hard enough. Then I got more creative, what could I do when I got out. Drinking myself to death, car crash (on my moped or running into traffic), or jumping out of my window. It hurt me so much that hurting myself, killing myself, ending everything was all I could think of.

I don't want to be that girl again, then one who wears long sleeves all year, the one who never ate or slept. It hurts me that with how far forward I came I started slipping back.

I don't want to hurt  myself again, I don't want to be in this place anymore. I need help, but I don't think any of my friends, or who I think are friends, would want to help, or could help.

I Love You but Hate You

Why would you ignore me? Someone you claim to love. But you don't really love me do you? You love the idea of loving me. If you loved me you wouldn't ignore my phone call, you would text me back, and you definitely wouldn't like it when we fought.

You make promises to me, but you can never seem to keep them, and you wonder why I get mad.

I asked you two months ago if we were dating or if you were my boyfriend.. You said you couldn't date me because you didn't want to ruin our friendship. Last week you ask me where I thought we were, what I thought we were. I told you exactly what you said, and told you you said it. You looked sad. By lying to me, you broke my heart. I thought I loved you. But the more time I spend with you the more I fall for you, but the more I hate you for hurting me.

I don't want to be with you anymore... But I can't leave.

Birthday-less

I didn't have a quince

or a sweet sixteen

because for both those years

I wasn't living like a queen.

We were short on money, 

kept on cutting back.

keeping heads high

not falling though the cracks.

My 18th birthday came and went,

nothing special to remember

so I gave up ideas

my final party surnder. 

I would wait, we decided

another three years until

my 21st would come

and we would all get chills.

The big charade,

a blowout once for all

those were my party plans

but someone made them fall.

I have now obligations

that were not foreseen

and now on my birthday

I will once again be green.

I won't get my party

or even a song sung

because my birthday ended

before it ever begun.