That is That

I really don't want to lose anyone who I love. I know I love him, if I didn't love him then I wouldn't be so afraid of losing him. But he's making it seem like I'm going to lose him in a way that is more than just relationship wise. He threatened that he was going to get into a motorcycle accident and die from it. Why? Just because he doesn't think  that he is worth anything. He thinks all he does is screw up.. He thinks that he is worthless. 

I thought that way a lot. Hell I still think that way sometimes in the present. He said he is in 6 grand of debt, I don't know what it's like to be there. He said he feels like a failure, that he knows I deserve someone better than him, but I don't want anyone 'better' than him I just want him.

I finally got him to respond to me, after I called him 5 times and texted him more.. I threatened to call him every hour until he responded. After I said that, he called right away. Apparently he didn't want me to call every hour. He had just had a bad day, wrecked a motor or something and was no longer able to sell it. He was mad and he overreacted, 

I really don't want to loose him, in any way. No one thinks he's good for me, but I don't care. I love him and that's all I really care about. He makes me smile when no one else can. He holds me when that's all I really need. Sure he is confused when I get mad for a small thing, when I start a fight, but everyone fights.. I just can't help that I fight over such stupid things.. I'm working on it, I really am, but he just doesn't understand that it is hard for me to stop when I'm mad and think things rationally. 

I love him, and that is that.

WANTED: A Date for Formal

I can't help but think if there is a reason why no one wants to go to formal with me... I have now asked 6 people, and 2 others overheard my sob story and said they would go if they could but it's their formal that day so they can't. It really hits one's ego when that many people say no.


For a few, I get it:
1- it's your last house party ever, don't want to miss that
2- you're in Minnesota and it's hard to get here

Those are really the only two good reasons why you can't get to formal. Saying you don't have money to pay for formal? You don't have to pay, it's taken out of the money I pay for the sorority every semester.

I really start to feel like I'm so unwanted that no one would want to go to formal with me.. It really hurts, and it's making me feel like I don't want to go to formal anymore..

3 People, 3 Conversations

There are so many people in my life that I can go to to talk about something that is bothering me. The problem is there is not a single person I can go to to talk about EVERYTHING. I have people I can talk to about relationships, a few I can talk to about my homosexuality, and a few I can talk to about my needing a hug every few days. The problem is that there are very few people I can go to to talk about all of those things.

I wish there was one person in my phone that I could talk to about everything. I wish I could just dial up their number and cry to them about multiple things. I can't even do this to my mom. So I end up just sitting in a cold shower and cry to myself.

Because there is no one I can talk to about everything, I feel alone. There are many people I can talk to about many things, but I still feel alone because I don't want to have 3 different conversations with 3 different people to feel better. I want one long conversation with one person about many different things to make me feel better.

I used to have a few of those, but college pulled us apart. I used to have a lot of those people, but they stopped talking to me. I used to have a lot of people who would listen to me and let me cry, but I don't anymore, and some part of me feels that I won't have one for a while.

Do You Love Me?

You said you loved me, you said that from day one. But you deny it every day. You ask me why I fight with you all the time. I have told you in the past I fight because I am scared to love. When you don't tell me you are here, it breaks my heart.. it breaks my heart because I thought you loved me. This is not how you say you treat someone you love. I told you why I act this why, why I lash out, why I fight. Tell me why you act this way..

You saw how hurt I was when you did this the first time, when you came and didn't tell me. What made you think it'd be any different the second time? Or did you think that this time you could get away with it?

"We've only been here for 10 minutes." 10 minutes is a long time. Enough time to text. Enough time to call. Enough time to have a couple of shots for all I know. I see you walking around laughing, if you have time to walk around and laugh, then you have time to text me you are here.

"Why are you so controlling?" I wouldn't call it controlling, I would call it wanting to know what you said you would do. You're coming tonight? Oh when are you going to be here? When I see you walk around the lobby like you have nothing better to do, yah I'm going to call you an ass. It's not me being controlling it's me being mad.

Tell me the truth, if you love me, why do you put me through this?