My way of thinking is: I meet you, I'm iffy about you. You do something to show that I can trust you, and I trust you completely and whole heartily. You do something to break that trust I had in you, it is going to take so much to get it back.
Lying is one thing I do not stand for. Many of my relationships ended because they lied to me and I could not look them in the face again and know for sure they were not lying to me. When you lie, it makes people question everything you say, and wonder, "Why would they lie about that?" It makes me question their actions, "Are they doing this just to show they are trustworthy once more, or is this something they would normally do?"
Saying, "I'm sorry" is not enough. "I'm sorry" are just words you say, admitting you did wrong. That does not show me you care about the actions you took. That does not show me that you truly care and will never do it again. It does not show me that you understand why I hate lying. It does not show me anything other than you said 2 words doing the bare minimum trying to make me feel better. In my book, saying "I'm sorry" is not even half a step higher than doing nothing about your mistake.
That is just who I am, take it or leave it.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Anger Hurts
I have a temper. I know I have a temper. I try so so so hard to keep it under control but sometimes it escapes me.
I grew up with my parents always fighting. I thought that was a normal relationship, but apparently its not. Too late, every relationship I ever have ends with me fighting with them because I grew up learning it was ok to fight with someone you love. So whenever I feel I love someone I am in a relationship with, I start to fight. And very rarely is it of something of importance.
I suppose another reason why I fight with people who I feel I might love is because I am afraid.. It is hard for me to trust anyone, and I do mean anyone. It hurts to know I can't trust them. I argue with them because I push them away, I push them away because I don't want to lose them. Confused? Me too. I am afraid of getting attached to people because I have never had anyone stay in my life.. (Ok I have had a few people but I consider them sisters so they are required to stay in my life so they don't count in this.) I'd rather be the reason why someone leaves me than someone not giving a reason, that happens much too often.
I don't know the exact reason why I argue. I don't know exactly why I have to fight. But I do know that I wish I don't. I know that it hurts so much every time I fight. And I hate to hurt.
I grew up with my parents always fighting. I thought that was a normal relationship, but apparently its not. Too late, every relationship I ever have ends with me fighting with them because I grew up learning it was ok to fight with someone you love. So whenever I feel I love someone I am in a relationship with, I start to fight. And very rarely is it of something of importance.
I suppose another reason why I fight with people who I feel I might love is because I am afraid.. It is hard for me to trust anyone, and I do mean anyone. It hurts to know I can't trust them. I argue with them because I push them away, I push them away because I don't want to lose them. Confused? Me too. I am afraid of getting attached to people because I have never had anyone stay in my life.. (Ok I have had a few people but I consider them sisters so they are required to stay in my life so they don't count in this.) I'd rather be the reason why someone leaves me than someone not giving a reason, that happens much too often.
I don't know the exact reason why I argue. I don't know exactly why I have to fight. But I do know that I wish I don't. I know that it hurts so much every time I fight. And I hate to hurt.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
A Healthy Small
What is healthy? According to a women's health doctor (or nurse, I can't remember) I am on the far end of the appropriate weight range for someone of my height. I am 5 foot 1 and 1/2 inches. According to the Doctor/Nurse for my height I should be from 103-130. At the time I was 126lbs and at a 24 BMI. BMI (Body mass index) is horrible to try to base your life around. I was at the high end of the spectrum according to the Doctor/Nurse and should try to drop down to 115 to be good, but aim for 110-105. Especially considering I got a shot and one of the more common side effects was weight gain, she told me to keep an eye on my weight because if I gained more weight then I could be considered over weight.
Quite honestly I never considered myself a skinny person. I have however considered myself short... I also consider myself curvy! (Hey, I have hips and a waist, no shame in admitting it) Others have called me small, and by small they think both short and skinny. I feel that people misuse the word small. Small does not mean skinny, it is a matter of height not width.
Anyway I went in to UHS for my ear problem (see last post) and right away they they weigh me and take my height; I was 117lbs! In 5 short weeks I had lost almost 10 lbs! My BMI dropped to 21, and I was getting close to where the Doctor said I should be.
Part of me is proud that I did nothing serious but changed my diet a little bit and lost that much weight, but part of me feels like if I get to where the Doctor said I should be, I'll lose what makes me me. I'll lose my waist, and I'll lose my hips. My curves are what make me distinctive, but at the same time they make me look at all the girls around me and compare myself to them. I always said if I was taller I would be skinnier, because the longer the bone the more there is for the fat to stretch out, hence the skinnier girls who weigh just as much as I do.
I hate thinking about my weight, because people do tell me that I am small, but like I said before: small is a matter of height not width. So I can never tell if when they mean small they mean short or skinny. I can never tell if they are telling me I am beautiful, or just stating the obvious (that I am short). I don't like thinking this way. And yet I do.
Quite honestly I never considered myself a skinny person. I have however considered myself short... I also consider myself curvy! (Hey, I have hips and a waist, no shame in admitting it) Others have called me small, and by small they think both short and skinny. I feel that people misuse the word small. Small does not mean skinny, it is a matter of height not width.
Anyway I went in to UHS for my ear problem (see last post) and right away they they weigh me and take my height; I was 117lbs! In 5 short weeks I had lost almost 10 lbs! My BMI dropped to 21, and I was getting close to where the Doctor said I should be.
Part of me is proud that I did nothing serious but changed my diet a little bit and lost that much weight, but part of me feels like if I get to where the Doctor said I should be, I'll lose what makes me me. I'll lose my waist, and I'll lose my hips. My curves are what make me distinctive, but at the same time they make me look at all the girls around me and compare myself to them. I always said if I was taller I would be skinnier, because the longer the bone the more there is for the fat to stretch out, hence the skinnier girls who weigh just as much as I do.
I hate thinking about my weight, because people do tell me that I am small, but like I said before: small is a matter of height not width. So I can never tell if when they mean small they mean short or skinny. I can never tell if they are telling me I am beautiful, or just stating the obvious (that I am short). I don't like thinking this way. And yet I do.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Eyes and Ears and Mouth and Nose
I really don't know what I am thinking. I have just been in so much pain for the last three days. I woke up on Monday thinking I had an ear infection. So I made and appointment with UHS (University Health Services) and went in after my class. The Nurse I spoke to said it did not look like an ear infection, but swimmer's ear. She prescribed eye drops for my ear problem. I know it confused me too, but it was for my ear, like a cheaper version of the ear drops I could have used. She told me if things don't seem to get better come in at the end of the week.
Well things didn't seem to get better, in fact they go much much worse. To the point where I started crying Tuesday night because of all the pain. It felt like my ear was going to explode. I could not talk with out there being pain in my jaw and ear, my sinuses were killing me, as well as my left lymph node. Basically if you draw a line down the center of my face the entire left side was in pain as well as the left side of my neck. Around 11:30 pm I called my mom, and of corse she was either asleep or not picking up her phone, so I called my brother and asked him to get my mother. As he got her he asked if she could call me back, I said yes and continued to sit and cry on my bed.
I know I scared my mother, very rarely do I call so late. She sounded worried on the phone when she heard my tears, when I told her what was wrong she said to go back into UHS the next day. She told me if I could not sleep I should just keep watching the Olympics to keep my mind off it. (BTW the woman's gymnastic team really earned the gold and I was so happy for them). I attempted to sleep but ended up just staying up half the night watching Gilmore Girls because it hurt too much to sleep. Eventually I dozed off around 3 or 4 in the morning.
I woke up around 8:15 and I was surprised with how much the pain subsided. My mother called me while I was in the shower wanting to know how I was feeling. I texted hr that I was doing a lot better but my jaw was still hurting as well as my ear. She responded right away that I should go back to UHS. I decided to wait a little longer to see how I was doing a little later, because I didn't want to miss class being the good student I am and having homework to turn in. But as the day went on, the pain got worse. It was to the point where I could not finish my lunch.
As I left my apartment to go to class I called up UHS and made an appointment for later in the day. I called my mom, as any good daughter would do, and told her the plan. I sat in class and was in pain the whole time, but no I did not let that interfere with my note taking, I mean come on, I have a final next week! So after class I went in to UHS and spoke to a Doctor this time. She asked what was wrong and I explained what happened last night, she examined my ear and started poking my cheeks checking my sinuses and I actually whimpered in pain. She felt my lymph nodes and then did the whole, "Say Ahhh".
I swear that is my favorite reaction when ever someone asks me to 'Say Ahh'. The look of shock on her face was priceless. She looked at me I started laughing and she asked, "Are your tonsils normally that big?" I replied "yes, they have been for years." Then she started laughing and said, "I supposed you are used to this reaction when they get inspected arn't you?" I responded with a laugh and a, "Yepp".
So upon finishing poking and laughing this Doctor said that the nurse was compleatly wrong, there is nothing wrong with my ear, it's just hurting because it is attached to my sinuses and I have something wrong with my sinuses. YAY ANTIBIOTICS! But the Doctor said I should be feeling better by friday, and I can't help but hope that this time it'll be right.
I don't know how many of you will actually read this whole thing, but this post really is what it's like to be in my shoes.
Well things didn't seem to get better, in fact they go much much worse. To the point where I started crying Tuesday night because of all the pain. It felt like my ear was going to explode. I could not talk with out there being pain in my jaw and ear, my sinuses were killing me, as well as my left lymph node. Basically if you draw a line down the center of my face the entire left side was in pain as well as the left side of my neck. Around 11:30 pm I called my mom, and of corse she was either asleep or not picking up her phone, so I called my brother and asked him to get my mother. As he got her he asked if she could call me back, I said yes and continued to sit and cry on my bed.
I know I scared my mother, very rarely do I call so late. She sounded worried on the phone when she heard my tears, when I told her what was wrong she said to go back into UHS the next day. She told me if I could not sleep I should just keep watching the Olympics to keep my mind off it. (BTW the woman's gymnastic team really earned the gold and I was so happy for them). I attempted to sleep but ended up just staying up half the night watching Gilmore Girls because it hurt too much to sleep. Eventually I dozed off around 3 or 4 in the morning.
I woke up around 8:15 and I was surprised with how much the pain subsided. My mother called me while I was in the shower wanting to know how I was feeling. I texted hr that I was doing a lot better but my jaw was still hurting as well as my ear. She responded right away that I should go back to UHS. I decided to wait a little longer to see how I was doing a little later, because I didn't want to miss class being the good student I am and having homework to turn in. But as the day went on, the pain got worse. It was to the point where I could not finish my lunch.
As I left my apartment to go to class I called up UHS and made an appointment for later in the day. I called my mom, as any good daughter would do, and told her the plan. I sat in class and was in pain the whole time, but no I did not let that interfere with my note taking, I mean come on, I have a final next week! So after class I went in to UHS and spoke to a Doctor this time. She asked what was wrong and I explained what happened last night, she examined my ear and started poking my cheeks checking my sinuses and I actually whimpered in pain. She felt my lymph nodes and then did the whole, "Say Ahhh".
I swear that is my favorite reaction when ever someone asks me to 'Say Ahh'. The look of shock on her face was priceless. She looked at me I started laughing and she asked, "Are your tonsils normally that big?" I replied "yes, they have been for years." Then she started laughing and said, "I supposed you are used to this reaction when they get inspected arn't you?" I responded with a laugh and a, "Yepp".
So upon finishing poking and laughing this Doctor said that the nurse was compleatly wrong, there is nothing wrong with my ear, it's just hurting because it is attached to my sinuses and I have something wrong with my sinuses. YAY ANTIBIOTICS! But the Doctor said I should be feeling better by friday, and I can't help but hope that this time it'll be right.
I don't know how many of you will actually read this whole thing, but this post really is what it's like to be in my shoes.
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