I know it has been a while. But I have been avoiding my emotions for quite some time.
This summer something happened to me. Something that needed to get the law involved. I don't want to go into what happened... But it really killed part of who I am.
Since then I have gained 10 pounds. Most people would think that's not a big deal, but it's big enough to make a difference to my confidence. That and now I can not fit into ANY of my pants that I need to fit into. Yoga pants, yes they fit, sports shorts, yes they fit. But I can't wear those forever. I need to work in pants, and the weather is getting colder. Yes I could just go out and buy more pants, but then I will feel horrible about the fact that now I have to spend 60$ on 3 pairs of jeans. That's almost half the money I have been saving in tips from my job. How long can I go before I have to tell my parents I need new pants because I have officially gotten too fat (no phat) to fit into my jeans? This is not cool. And it makes me feel like crap.
I wonder how long it will take before someone notices that I don't wear jeans unless its forcing my ass into them for work? How long will it take for me to actually do something about this? I don't mean a crash diet or anything, but I wonder what I am going to do to make this go away.
I'm going to stop making a pity party and try to figure out what I should do with my life..
24hrs in My Shoes
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Weight Gain in College
I laugh. Since I started college I have lost 30lbs. People say it's impossible to lose weight in college because of this and that and yada yada yada. I'm calling BULLSH!T! It's called walk to class, don't take the bus; drink in moderation; and eat an apple instead of that bag of chips. You wouldn't believe how many people from my high school I have seen who have gained so much weight. It's so stupid, they say everyone gains weight in college.
I gained more weight in high school than I did in college. I still have another 10lbs to go till I drop that weight I gained in high school. But even then it's not that big of a deal, I like my body. And it's not like I tried to loose the weight, I haven't gone on a hunger strike, I haven't worked out excessively, I haven't stopped eating junk food. I am doing pretty much what I did in high school, except I am not dancing 2-3 times a week.
I'm sorry, but that's my opinion. Don't blame college for the weight gain, the books added pounds to your backpack, not to your body.
I gained more weight in high school than I did in college. I still have another 10lbs to go till I drop that weight I gained in high school. But even then it's not that big of a deal, I like my body. And it's not like I tried to loose the weight, I haven't gone on a hunger strike, I haven't worked out excessively, I haven't stopped eating junk food. I am doing pretty much what I did in high school, except I am not dancing 2-3 times a week.
I'm sorry, but that's my opinion. Don't blame college for the weight gain, the books added pounds to your backpack, not to your body.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Consistent Excuses
I try to keep up with writing, but I have been having a really hard time. I have been sick, in pain, hospitalized, and not to mention just plain busy.
I am sorry for the excuses. But lets be honest, how many people really read my blog?
So what is new with my life? Hmm Let me think.
I have been diagnosed with learning disabilities, I haven't been getting along too well with my roommate, and my work load has gotten much much worse. Hopefully during the summer I will do a little better when it comes to writing more consistently.
I am sorry for the excuses. But lets be honest, how many people really read my blog?
So what is new with my life? Hmm Let me think.
I have been diagnosed with learning disabilities, I haven't been getting along too well with my roommate, and my work load has gotten much much worse. Hopefully during the summer I will do a little better when it comes to writing more consistently.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Broken
I am broken.. So broken in fact that I can't even dig my own grave to die in.
Some may say I am over exagerating but those people don't understand. I can't bend over with out something sharp stabbing me. I can't walk far with out my hips protesting. And now I can't even finish my work because my pain gets so unbearable that I get distracted.
Some days are worse than others, but certain situations make things worse and worse.
My parents don't believe me, they think that I can just pop a couple of Advil and things will be ok. But Advil doesn't work anymore. They think that I can just 'push through the pain' and be alright, but if I ignore it then things get worse and the next day I can hardly walk. They thought maybe if I had a different bed then my back wouldn't hurt so much, it's nice and helps me sleep, but it doesn't seem to be helping in the way that they want it to.
I am seeing a chiropractor because if you have back problems that's where you go. It helps sometimes, but it has been almost a month and things are not getting much better, if anything it is getting worse. I feel great as soon as I leave, but then as soon as 2 hours later I am in pain again.
I am so fed up with all this shit and it is only making my depression worse. I wish I could go to an actual doctor to see what is wrong with my back, get an x-ray or whatever I need to tell me what is wrong. But apparently I am "too young" to be having back problems.. Guess what; I am having them and I am sick and tired of people telling me otherwise.
Some may say I am over exagerating but those people don't understand. I can't bend over with out something sharp stabbing me. I can't walk far with out my hips protesting. And now I can't even finish my work because my pain gets so unbearable that I get distracted.
Some days are worse than others, but certain situations make things worse and worse.
My parents don't believe me, they think that I can just pop a couple of Advil and things will be ok. But Advil doesn't work anymore. They think that I can just 'push through the pain' and be alright, but if I ignore it then things get worse and the next day I can hardly walk. They thought maybe if I had a different bed then my back wouldn't hurt so much, it's nice and helps me sleep, but it doesn't seem to be helping in the way that they want it to.
I am seeing a chiropractor because if you have back problems that's where you go. It helps sometimes, but it has been almost a month and things are not getting much better, if anything it is getting worse. I feel great as soon as I leave, but then as soon as 2 hours later I am in pain again.
I am so fed up with all this shit and it is only making my depression worse. I wish I could go to an actual doctor to see what is wrong with my back, get an x-ray or whatever I need to tell me what is wrong. But apparently I am "too young" to be having back problems.. Guess what; I am having them and I am sick and tired of people telling me otherwise.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
My Time To Shine
Waiting for that moment when it's my time to shine
waiting for that moment where there's no more tears to cry
wishing that the time will come where people know my name
wishing when the time comes I will just fly away.
If you don't know me now why should you know me then?
happy or sad you should be there in thick and thin
be with me through it all or we'll never speak again
I won't forget the one who held my hand
and that is the person who will always be my friend
waiting for that moment where there's no more tears to cry
wishing that the time will come where people know my name
wishing when the time comes I will just fly away.
If you don't know me now why should you know me then?
happy or sad you should be there in thick and thin
be with me through it all or we'll never speak again
I won't forget the one who held my hand
and that is the person who will always be my friend
Monday, December 17, 2012
Happy? I Think So
I think... I think I'm happy again. I don't know. It's been a while since I have been happy.
He decided to move with his ex girlfriend, and for the first few days I was distraught. I couldn't eat or sleep. Slowly I started accepting it. I think it had to do with him not talking to me for a while. He didn't chose me, it hurt, but I think I'm ok now.
A few weeks ago, when things were first rocky with him, I was working at the Union for Ask Listen Save (ALS) and we were having people make signs about their fears and their dreams. This guy comes up and asks what we were doing and I explained it to him, he liked the idea and he made a sign; we got in a conversation about how people who are bipolar commit suicide more often than people who make it to the top of some mountain. Me, being the loud mouth I am, said, "Hey, I'm bipolar!" He looked at me like I was crazy (poor choice of words I know) and said, "I'm bipolar too." He smile so I smiled back, I'm just friendly like that. Anyway he walked away.
About 20 min or so later he comes up to me with one of the buzzy things you get for food from the grill; he handed it to me, nodded, and walked away. I held the buzzy thing stunned, I didn't know what happened and there were two things that were running through my head: 1- why would he hand this to me? 2- I hope it's not a burger because I don't eat meat.
I showed it to the people who were working with me at the time and they started making fun of me. When it went off I grabbed one of their arms and made them come with me. The guy had given me french fries. I didn't want to eat them because I felt weird about it. So my friends ate them for me. Five min after the buzzer went off the guy came by again, he noticed that I was not eating the fries he gave me. He held out a piece of paper and pen, he didn't say anything so I ignored the gesture and pretended to be busy cleaning up the signs with my friends. He started talking about how he wants to help the organization because it seems like a good cause. When he gave our secratary his email information he looked at me and said, "So can I have your number?" I felt like I had to give it to him, I mean come on, the guy got me fries! So I gave it to him, all 9 digits.
After a week of texting the guy, Micha as I learned his name to be, asked me if I wanted to grab some drinks with him. I agreed. As I was heading out to met him my coworker texted me to ask if I was going out tonight, I responded I was meeting someone but would gladly meet up with him later. He sounded happy enough about it.
After two beers with Micha I realized that he really isn't my type, I've already decided that there is only one fucked up person per relationship, and that person will end up being me. But I had a good time regardless, he's nice and I'd like to be his friend but I still wouldn't date him again. Round 11:30 we parted ways, and I texted my coworker to see where he wanted to meet up. He kept naming bars in the area but lets be honest, I just turned 21, I still don't know all the bars around here. Finally he said one which sounded familiar. I went there and arrived around 11:45 and waited for 15 min. Some other guys saw me standing there alone so they started talking to me. I don't like meeting people in bars, I seriously feel that you need to get to know someone before you just go and act like you want all over them.
Anyway my coworker finally showed up and bought us a pitcher. We stood around with the other guys for a while but then decided to move somewhere else, upstairs. We played this flip cup game and then he decided we should go meet up with his other friend at a different bar. Eventually he decided that he was hungry so we went to Ian's Pizza, on a side note, why is there no cheese pizza at Ian's? There is never anything normal on their pizza!
Anyway, we were standing in line to pay for the pizza, and he started talking to me about how he likes me but doesn't want to make the first move, he never makes the first move. So I did something drastic, I kissed him.. I kissed him, and I liked it. He smiled at me and I smiled back. He paid for the pizza and we sat down. We sat and talked for over an hour. By the time I looked at the clock I noticed it was 3 am, I had missed the last bus home by half an hour. I told him this and he looked at me and said I could sleep on his couch because he didn't want me to walk home in the dark. I took him up on the offer.
Well I ended up just sleeping on top of him, nothing happened, I just fell asleep with my head on his chest and his arm around me. It felt nice. It made me smile. It made me feel like there might be hope for the future.
It's been about a week and a half since that night, and we are still going strong, we meet up all the time, and we are tying to keep it under-wraps because we work together, and we don't want things to get messed up at work. I like him, he makes me feel safe, and I have yet to have a fight with him. Our sarcasm keeps us together I feel, although we are not in a relationship, and he is not my boyfriend, we are dating and we are exclusive. It is a good first step for me to get over things.
He decided to move with his ex girlfriend, and for the first few days I was distraught. I couldn't eat or sleep. Slowly I started accepting it. I think it had to do with him not talking to me for a while. He didn't chose me, it hurt, but I think I'm ok now.
A few weeks ago, when things were first rocky with him, I was working at the Union for Ask Listen Save (ALS) and we were having people make signs about their fears and their dreams. This guy comes up and asks what we were doing and I explained it to him, he liked the idea and he made a sign; we got in a conversation about how people who are bipolar commit suicide more often than people who make it to the top of some mountain. Me, being the loud mouth I am, said, "Hey, I'm bipolar!" He looked at me like I was crazy (poor choice of words I know) and said, "I'm bipolar too." He smile so I smiled back, I'm just friendly like that. Anyway he walked away.
About 20 min or so later he comes up to me with one of the buzzy things you get for food from the grill; he handed it to me, nodded, and walked away. I held the buzzy thing stunned, I didn't know what happened and there were two things that were running through my head: 1- why would he hand this to me? 2- I hope it's not a burger because I don't eat meat.
I showed it to the people who were working with me at the time and they started making fun of me. When it went off I grabbed one of their arms and made them come with me. The guy had given me french fries. I didn't want to eat them because I felt weird about it. So my friends ate them for me. Five min after the buzzer went off the guy came by again, he noticed that I was not eating the fries he gave me. He held out a piece of paper and pen, he didn't say anything so I ignored the gesture and pretended to be busy cleaning up the signs with my friends. He started talking about how he wants to help the organization because it seems like a good cause. When he gave our secratary his email information he looked at me and said, "So can I have your number?" I felt like I had to give it to him, I mean come on, the guy got me fries! So I gave it to him, all 9 digits.
After a week of texting the guy, Micha as I learned his name to be, asked me if I wanted to grab some drinks with him. I agreed. As I was heading out to met him my coworker texted me to ask if I was going out tonight, I responded I was meeting someone but would gladly meet up with him later. He sounded happy enough about it.
After two beers with Micha I realized that he really isn't my type, I've already decided that there is only one fucked up person per relationship, and that person will end up being me. But I had a good time regardless, he's nice and I'd like to be his friend but I still wouldn't date him again. Round 11:30 we parted ways, and I texted my coworker to see where he wanted to meet up. He kept naming bars in the area but lets be honest, I just turned 21, I still don't know all the bars around here. Finally he said one which sounded familiar. I went there and arrived around 11:45 and waited for 15 min. Some other guys saw me standing there alone so they started talking to me. I don't like meeting people in bars, I seriously feel that you need to get to know someone before you just go and act like you want all over them.
Anyway my coworker finally showed up and bought us a pitcher. We stood around with the other guys for a while but then decided to move somewhere else, upstairs. We played this flip cup game and then he decided we should go meet up with his other friend at a different bar. Eventually he decided that he was hungry so we went to Ian's Pizza, on a side note, why is there no cheese pizza at Ian's? There is never anything normal on their pizza!
Anyway, we were standing in line to pay for the pizza, and he started talking to me about how he likes me but doesn't want to make the first move, he never makes the first move. So I did something drastic, I kissed him.. I kissed him, and I liked it. He smiled at me and I smiled back. He paid for the pizza and we sat down. We sat and talked for over an hour. By the time I looked at the clock I noticed it was 3 am, I had missed the last bus home by half an hour. I told him this and he looked at me and said I could sleep on his couch because he didn't want me to walk home in the dark. I took him up on the offer.
Well I ended up just sleeping on top of him, nothing happened, I just fell asleep with my head on his chest and his arm around me. It felt nice. It made me smile. It made me feel like there might be hope for the future.
It's been about a week and a half since that night, and we are still going strong, we meet up all the time, and we are tying to keep it under-wraps because we work together, and we don't want things to get messed up at work. I like him, he makes me feel safe, and I have yet to have a fight with him. Our sarcasm keeps us together I feel, although we are not in a relationship, and he is not my boyfriend, we are dating and we are exclusive. It is a good first step for me to get over things.
Monday, December 3, 2012
windows
i want to jump.
feel the rush of cold air around me,
have no regrets of falling.
i want to jump.
to see the ground come closer
faster and faster.
i want to jump.
just knock out the screen,
say my final farewell.
i want to jump.
7 stories till the ground
i bet that it would be instant.
i want to jump.
to end it all fast and now
and i want it to be
so i don't have a chance to look back.
feel the rush of cold air around me,
have no regrets of falling.
i want to jump.
to see the ground come closer
faster and faster.
i want to jump.
just knock out the screen,
say my final farewell.
i want to jump.
7 stories till the ground
i bet that it would be instant.
i want to jump.
to end it all fast and now
and i want it to be
so i don't have a chance to look back.
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