Resistance

You won't know what you missed till you see I'm no longer here. You won't know who I am till you see that I'm gone.You won't know my pain till you know who I am.

I made a promise to so many people, but no one seems to want to help me keep that promise. I promised that I wouldn't cut anymore, I promised that if I felt the need to I would go to someone to help me stay strong.. The problem is that no one seems to want to help me. I can only think of one person I can turn to, and it seems every time I ask if she can talk she can't. Every time I'm doing fine she asks how I am doing.

I don't like being alone. And it seems day after day I just don't want to leave my room, I don't want to eat anything, and all I want to do is sleep. I feel like I did in high school, pathetic and useless to the world. I really don't see the point in going on.

I started crying in the shower again, I started looking at my razor's again thinking about breaking them open just to feel the pain, the sharp pain that I was addicted to... Seeing the blood that would trickle down my arm, accidentally getting deeper and deeper until I can see where my skin should be stitched back together, but knowing I won't go get stitches, tasting the metal in the blood as I wipe it off with one finger and suck the blood just to know it is real.

The fact that I can remember so vividly everything that happened a few short years ago, the fact that it seems so tempting in this moment in time that all scares me. I don't want to be that girl again. But some part of me thinks that I won't be able to resist for much longer.