Lost something Gained something

I know it has been a while. But I have been avoiding my emotions for quite some time.

This summer something happened to me. Something that needed to get the law involved. I don't want to go into what happened... But it really killed part of who I am.

Since then I have gained 10 pounds. Most people would think that's not a big deal, but it's big enough to make a difference to my confidence. That and now I can not fit into ANY of my pants that I need to fit into. Yoga pants, yes they fit, sports shorts, yes they fit. But I can't wear those forever. I need to work in pants, and the weather is getting colder. Yes I could just go out and buy more pants, but then I will feel horrible about the fact that now I have to spend 60$ on 3 pairs of jeans. That's almost half the money I have been saving in tips from my job. How long can I go before I have to tell my parents I need new pants because I have officially gotten too fat (no phat) to fit into my jeans? This is not cool. And it makes me feel like crap.

I wonder how long it will take before someone notices that I don't wear jeans unless its forcing my ass into them for work? How long will it take for me to actually do something about this? I don't mean a crash diet or anything, but I wonder what I am going to do to make this go away.

I'm going to stop making a pity party and try to figure out what I should do with my life..

Weight Gain in College

I laugh. Since I started college I have lost 30lbs. People say it's impossible to lose weight in college because of this and that and yada yada yada. I'm calling BULLSH!T! It's called walk to class, don't take the bus; drink in moderation; and eat an apple instead of that bag of chips. You wouldn't believe how many people from my high school I have seen who have gained so much weight. It's so stupid, they say everyone gains weight in college.
I gained more weight in high school than I did in college. I still have another 10lbs to go till I drop that weight I gained in high school. But even then it's not that big of a deal, I like my body. And it's not like I tried to loose the weight, I haven't gone on a hunger strike, I haven't worked out excessively, I haven't stopped eating junk food. I am doing pretty much what I did in high school, except I am not dancing 2-3 times a week.
I'm sorry, but that's my opinion. Don't blame college for the weight gain, the books added pounds to your backpack, not to your body.

Consistent Excuses

I try to keep up with writing, but I have been having a really hard time. I have been sick, in pain, hospitalized, and not to mention just plain busy.

I am sorry for the excuses. But lets be honest, how many people really read my blog?

So what is new with my life? Hmm Let me think.

I have been diagnosed with learning disabilities, I haven't been getting along too well with my roommate, and my work load has gotten much much worse. Hopefully during the summer I will do a little better when it comes to writing more consistently.

Broken

I am broken.. So broken in fact that I can't even dig my own grave to die in.

Some may say I am over exagerating but those people don't understand. I can't bend over with out something sharp stabbing me. I can't walk far with out my hips protesting. And now I can't even finish my work because my pain gets so unbearable that I get distracted.

Some days are worse than others, but certain situations make things worse and worse. 

My parents don't believe me, they think that I can just pop a couple of Advil and things will be ok. But Advil doesn't work anymore. They think that I can just 'push through the pain' and be alright, but if I ignore it then things get worse and the next day I can hardly walk. They thought maybe if I had a different bed then my back wouldn't hurt so much, it's nice and helps me sleep, but it doesn't seem to be helping in the way that they want it to.

I am seeing a chiropractor because if you have back problems that's where you go. It helps sometimes, but it has been almost a month and things are not getting much better, if anything it is getting worse. I feel great as soon as I leave, but then as soon as 2 hours later I am in pain again.

I am so fed up with all this shit and it is only making my depression worse. I wish I could go to an actual doctor to see what is wrong with my back, get an x-ray or whatever I need to tell me what is wrong. But apparently I am "too young" to be having back problems.. Guess what; I am having them and I am sick and tired of people telling me otherwise.

My Time To Shine

Waiting for that moment when it's my time to shine
waiting for that moment where there's no more tears to cry
wishing that the time will come where people know my name
wishing when the time comes I will just fly away.

If you don't know me now why should you know me then?
happy or sad you should be there in thick and thin
be with me through it all or we'll never speak again
I won't forget the one who held my hand
and that is the person who will always be my friend