I think... I think I'm happy again. I don't know. It's been a while since I have been happy.
He decided to move with his ex girlfriend, and for the first few days I was distraught. I couldn't eat or sleep. Slowly I started accepting it. I think it had to do with him not talking to me for a while. He didn't chose me, it hurt, but I think I'm ok now.
A few weeks ago, when things were first rocky with him, I was working at the Union for Ask Listen Save (ALS) and we were having people make signs about their fears and their dreams. This guy comes up and asks what we were doing and I explained it to him, he liked the idea and he made a sign; we got in a conversation about how people who are bipolar commit suicide more often than people who make it to the top of some mountain. Me, being the loud mouth I am, said, "Hey, I'm bipolar!" He looked at me like I was crazy (poor choice of words I know) and said, "I'm bipolar too." He smile so I smiled back, I'm just friendly like that. Anyway he walked away.
About 20 min or so later he comes up to me with one of the buzzy things you get for food from the grill; he handed it to me, nodded, and walked away. I held the buzzy thing stunned, I didn't know what happened and there were two things that were running through my head: 1- why would he hand this to me? 2- I hope it's not a burger because I don't eat meat.
I showed it to the people who were working with me at the time and they started making fun of me. When it went off I grabbed one of their arms and made them come with me. The guy had given me french fries. I didn't want to eat them because I felt weird about it. So my friends ate them for me. Five min after the buzzer went off the guy came by again, he noticed that I was not eating the fries he gave me. He held out a piece of paper and pen, he didn't say anything so I ignored the gesture and pretended to be busy cleaning up the signs with my friends. He started talking about how he wants to help the organization because it seems like a good cause. When he gave our secratary his email information he looked at me and said, "So can I have your number?" I felt like I had to give it to him, I mean come on, the guy got me fries! So I gave it to him, all 9 digits.
After a week of texting the guy, Micha as I learned his name to be, asked me if I wanted to grab some drinks with him. I agreed. As I was heading out to met him my coworker texted me to ask if I was going out tonight, I responded I was meeting someone but would gladly meet up with him later. He sounded happy enough about it.
After two beers with Micha I realized that he really isn't my type, I've already decided that there is only one fucked up person per relationship, and that person will end up being me. But I had a good time regardless, he's nice and I'd like to be his friend but I still wouldn't date him again. Round 11:30 we parted ways, and I texted my coworker to see where he wanted to meet up. He kept naming bars in the area but lets be honest, I just turned 21, I still don't know all the bars around here. Finally he said one which sounded familiar. I went there and arrived around 11:45 and waited for 15 min. Some other guys saw me standing there alone so they started talking to me. I don't like meeting people in bars, I seriously feel that you need to get to know someone before you just go and act like you want all over them.
Anyway my coworker finally showed up and bought us a pitcher. We stood around with the other guys for a while but then decided to move somewhere else, upstairs. We played this flip cup game and then he decided we should go meet up with his other friend at a different bar. Eventually he decided that he was hungry so we went to Ian's Pizza, on a side note, why is there no cheese pizza at Ian's? There is never anything normal on their pizza!
Anyway, we were standing in line to pay for the pizza, and he started talking to me about how he likes me but doesn't want to make the first move, he never makes the first move. So I did something drastic, I kissed him.. I kissed him, and I liked it. He smiled at me and I smiled back. He paid for the pizza and we sat down. We sat and talked for over an hour. By the time I looked at the clock I noticed it was 3 am, I had missed the last bus home by half an hour. I told him this and he looked at me and said I could sleep on his couch because he didn't want me to walk home in the dark. I took him up on the offer.
Well I ended up just sleeping on top of him, nothing happened, I just fell asleep with my head on his chest and his arm around me. It felt nice. It made me smile. It made me feel like there might be hope for the future.
It's been about a week and a half since that night, and we are still going strong, we meet up all the time, and we are tying to keep it under-wraps because we work together, and we don't want things to get messed up at work. I like him, he makes me feel safe, and I have yet to have a fight with him. Our sarcasm keeps us together I feel, although we are not in a relationship, and he is not my boyfriend, we are dating and we are exclusive. It is a good first step for me to get over things.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Monday, December 3, 2012
windows
i want to jump.
feel the rush of cold air around me,
have no regrets of falling.
i want to jump.
to see the ground come closer
faster and faster.
i want to jump.
just knock out the screen,
say my final farewell.
i want to jump.
7 stories till the ground
i bet that it would be instant.
i want to jump.
to end it all fast and now
and i want it to be
so i don't have a chance to look back.
feel the rush of cold air around me,
have no regrets of falling.
i want to jump.
to see the ground come closer
faster and faster.
i want to jump.
just knock out the screen,
say my final farewell.
i want to jump.
7 stories till the ground
i bet that it would be instant.
i want to jump.
to end it all fast and now
and i want it to be
so i don't have a chance to look back.
The End of Him
He chose her.. He chose her. Those words are ringing through my head, echoing and shouting; whispering and singing. Mocking me, over and over.
I wasn't good enough.. I will never be good enough.
He met her first and loved her, they fought and broke up, then he met me... He said he loved me. He said that from the beginning. I didn't know about her. Or I did, but I didn't think she would ever come back. He promised her a year ago before we had met that he would move in with her. Then they got in a big fight and he broke up with her.. Then he met me. He promised me so many things, he said he would always be there for me. He said he loved me..
Then she came back. She said it was a mistake. She said she wanted him to move in with her still. He was conflicted. He went back and fourth for weeks, why should I stay with Abi why should I stay with her...
He chose me. He chose me first. He spoke to me as if nothing changed, as if she never came back. We were fine for a while and I was so happy that he chose me.. But apparently he told his parents. He told his parents about how he chose me. He told them, and the responded he should live with her. He promised her that he would live with her so he should keep his promise. She told him the same thing.. And he reconsidered..
He didn't talk to me for days. In my heart I was confident that we were fine and the subject was dropped.. But my mind kept saying there is a reason why he won't talk to you. I asked him if he was going to make a decision, call me and tell me, don't text me. A day later after I told him that he texted me, basically saying how he was persuaded by them not to chose me.. I called him right away, it was 12:37 in the morning. I begged him not to do this. I argued my case again and again and again, telling him how he chose me, but they made him chose her. He convinced himself that they were right. Now is not a good time for him and me. Maybe in the future when things are better we could try again.
I begged him for over an hour not to do this, not to leave me. He kept saying he's not leaving me, we are still friends and can still talk. I can't just wait around for him.. I love him, and I have tried not to, I have tried so hard not to fall in love with him.. How can he not see how much he just killed me?
It's been two hours since I started crying, and I just can't seem to stop. I can't stop shaking, I can't stop feeling hollow inside. There isn't anything holding me here anymore, so why should I stay? He was the one thing that could always make me smile, the one thing that would always make me feel better. And he chose her..
I guess he never really loved me.
I wasn't good enough.. I will never be good enough.
He met her first and loved her, they fought and broke up, then he met me... He said he loved me. He said that from the beginning. I didn't know about her. Or I did, but I didn't think she would ever come back. He promised her a year ago before we had met that he would move in with her. Then they got in a big fight and he broke up with her.. Then he met me. He promised me so many things, he said he would always be there for me. He said he loved me..
Then she came back. She said it was a mistake. She said she wanted him to move in with her still. He was conflicted. He went back and fourth for weeks, why should I stay with Abi why should I stay with her...
He chose me. He chose me first. He spoke to me as if nothing changed, as if she never came back. We were fine for a while and I was so happy that he chose me.. But apparently he told his parents. He told his parents about how he chose me. He told them, and the responded he should live with her. He promised her that he would live with her so he should keep his promise. She told him the same thing.. And he reconsidered..
He didn't talk to me for days. In my heart I was confident that we were fine and the subject was dropped.. But my mind kept saying there is a reason why he won't talk to you. I asked him if he was going to make a decision, call me and tell me, don't text me. A day later after I told him that he texted me, basically saying how he was persuaded by them not to chose me.. I called him right away, it was 12:37 in the morning. I begged him not to do this. I argued my case again and again and again, telling him how he chose me, but they made him chose her. He convinced himself that they were right. Now is not a good time for him and me. Maybe in the future when things are better we could try again.
I begged him for over an hour not to do this, not to leave me. He kept saying he's not leaving me, we are still friends and can still talk. I can't just wait around for him.. I love him, and I have tried not to, I have tried so hard not to fall in love with him.. How can he not see how much he just killed me?
It's been two hours since I started crying, and I just can't seem to stop. I can't stop shaking, I can't stop feeling hollow inside. There isn't anything holding me here anymore, so why should I stay? He was the one thing that could always make me smile, the one thing that would always make me feel better. And he chose her..
I guess he never really loved me.
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